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Just Saying Hello Can Be A Demand Too

PDA can present in unexpected and subtle ways, as well as in more apparent and confronting expressions.

It includes not being able to do things you really want to.

Even things that could be seen as very small demands and expectations.

This evening my sister phoned and had her boys with her in the background (William’s cousins).

William excitedly said “Do the boys want to speak to me?”

I said “Oh hang on I’ll put you all on loud speaker.”

The boys both cheerfully chimed in; “Hi William”.

William froze momentarily before running away and hiding behind the sofa.

I knew what had happened and said “William is smiling boys and wants to say hi back. You all have a lovely evening ….”

I ended the call as quickly as I could without being rude, before going behind the sofa to find William crying.

He looked up at me and said “Mommy I really wanted to say Hi but I just couldn’t, once it was my turn I just couldn’t do it”.

PDA also presents itself in the everyday, taken for granted moments.

It’s not always dramatic incidents or challenging behaviour.

It can also be very quiet and very misunderstood.

PDA can be wanting to connect, but not always being able to.

Sometimes meeting very small demands or expectations can feel too overwhelming, especially when the day is coming to a close and all your demand spoons have been used up.

It is so important that we know PDA is Can’t, not Won’t!

And that not being able to do things such as saying hello when it is expected, is not a sign of rudeness, but a sign of anxiety and flight in the face of an unavoidable demand.

💛

You can also find more information over on our Facebook Page

https://www.facebook.com/ChangingTheNarrativeAboutAutismAndPDA/

By Jessica Matthews

Neurodivergent Mother, Independent Researcher, and Writer. Background in Psychology and Counselling with postgraduate training in Clinical Psychology (BSc Hons Psychology and Trained Integrative Counsellor). Passionate about Neurodivergent Identity, Non-neuronormative Narratives and Polyvagal Informed Parenting.

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